My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
