"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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