she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
