So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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