guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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