So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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