My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
