I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
