Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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