Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
