So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
