life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So vagazzling was a success
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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