just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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