I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
