you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I am one with the molecules
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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