Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
