I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
