So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
