im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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