I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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