My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
