i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
