my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
