It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
