Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
