I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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