69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
