I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
