Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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