trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
