i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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