This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if only i could text you this smell
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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