is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
