I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My penis needs a shock collar
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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