we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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