Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
