Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
