I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
