Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
