im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
