Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
