oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
