Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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