btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
