my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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