Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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