You're my little dorito
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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