Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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