Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
