Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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