Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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