She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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