Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Oh god it's open bar.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
