The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
