I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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