Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
