Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
